Thursday, April 22, 2010

So I really think I'm living up to my full potential. Sounds like high school, right? No really. I know as followers of Christ we all fall short every day of His glory. But I really feel like I'm not meeting up to His expectations of me. I felt a pull to women's ministry several years ago. I've been mediocre in that at best. I've led a few studies, a women's retreat, stuff like that but I don't think I'm fulfilling exactly what God wants of me. I know there are areas of my life that are less that what He expects of me and I know those are the things that are holding me back. But how do you get rid of them? I know...Romans 12 tells us to be transformed daily by the renewing of our minds...that's hard. Especially when your mind wants to go one way and the Holy Spirit is tugging it earnestly in a different direction. Nothing terrible or bad...just one of those things where I'm not focused on what I should be. It's like I know that if I submit totally, I will have to fulfill what God asks of me and sometimes that is scary to me. The last time I submitted fully to Him? I got on a jet plane and missioned myself out in Haiti. Was is great? Absolutely! Was I face to face with God in my journey...beyond the highest measure I could express, never felt closer. But it was the breaking of my fleshly spirit to get me to that place that was so painful. Was the reward worth it? Absolutely...I guess I get gun shy of what exactly He will require of me when I do submit myself fully...not that I don't think He'll carry me through abundantly, I just don't feel worthy of the calling...does that make sense? I know He delights in me...He shouts with joy for me...He is my warrior...My why am I so hesitant?? Maybe now I'm not so hesitant...maybe now I think I can do this...yeah...let's go for it...ready? Set....Submit! Good luck...I'll keep you posted and you keep me in your prayers. :)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

First of all...2 posts in one day when I've not blogged in nearly 2 weeks? Gasp! I know, but I had to share this little nugget. My nine year old just called me out for "not handling a situation the way God would want me to". Um. Yeah. Hmmmm....she's right. Scriptural chastisement from a nine year old..much less YOUR OWN nine year old is no fun! I wasn't sure if I should feel guilty (which I did) or proud (which I did). A little humility in front of our kids is never a bad thing...we adults make mistakes too and she knows that...and this adult admitted to it! I suppose that ol Holy Spirit can convict us through our kids as well....:)
Holy week takes on a whole new meaning when you are a church secretary. I honestly think it's more difficult than Christmas, lol. 4 services this week, I'm beat! Between getting ready for Easter (um, yeah, forgot about that cute little fuzzy guy that visits on Sunday until a brief, "uh oh" moment worries, he will still come!), battling a stomach virus (again, see statement above regarding difficulty for said ,church secretary during Holy week), getting my house clean and packing to visit my MILY (translation, Mother -in- law, the "y" is just for fun), God's peace and quiet He intended for me this week has completely escaped my timeline. As I sat down at the computer between running errands today, texting my BFF who is on her way to a glorious 3 day weekend at the beach, and running Gracie to guitar lessons, it hit me. This is the day before Jesus was crucified. Truthfully I knew that and have been cognizant of it all day, but it just hit me like a ton of bricks. We have 4 gospel accounts of Jesus ministry, His trial, His crucifixion, His death, His burial and His resurrection. But I wonder, in my heart of hearts, what Jesus felt during this time. These hours before He was to sup with His beloved disciples, who had no idea what was to happen that night. I wonder where His heart and mind truly were. It's documented that as Jesus went to the Mount of Olives to talk with His Daddy, He took some of His disciples with Him (John and Simon Peter I believe)...and we think Mark followed, otherwise, no one would have been able to tattle on the sleeping disciples! As the story goes, Jesus poured His heart out to His Daddy, like any of us would, only more passionately. His friends fell asleep, they were that moved, lol. It says Jesus sweated blood. If you research it, that was likely, although I know God does miracles every day, a nervous system reaction to the stress He was under. Can you imagine being so stressed you sweat blood?

So I was just poking around on facebook and I thought man, I have totally forgotten what today is all I wandered off of FB and headed to my thinking zone. I wonder what Jesus was thinking and feeling that afternoon at this time. Was He scared? Wouldn't you be?!? He knew what was coming. I know He never begrudged me for having to do this deed, He loved me too much. I think that makes my heart hurt worse. He never felt anger or ill will toward me. He just did it. He knew it was what had to be done. I can't wrap my mind around that. I wonder if He had a twinge of excitement...knowing this one deed would save all of mankind who accepted it! I wonder if He had some trepidation, knowing many would never believe, yet He was doing it for them too anyway.

My Jesus. My Savior. His sacrifice, His love...tonight was just the beginning of all of it. The next 18 or 19 hours would be pure Hell on earth for my Beloved Savior. It's hard not to feel guilty. I do to a degree. My ugliness is what caused His pain to happen. But I know He never hated me, begrudged me or had any anger toward me. That, in a nutshell, makes it bearable and worth telling. I can say this...for anyone that has never accepted Him, it HAS to be because they just don't believe in it all...they don't believe in God. Because if you believe in God at all, you'd have to believe in the Love that He sent to this world to be the propitiation for our sins. I just don't see how you couldn't. So I think I'll be introspective and reflective tonight as I keep on my heart and mind just exactly what Jesus was going through...not just the physical, but the emotional as well.

Praise be to God for a Savior that looked past my ugliness and saw what I could be, a beautiful child of His!