When Heaven and Earth Collide

It's been almost 9 years ago since my little slice of Heaven on Earth was born. After a year of fertility problems we finally got our chance at pregnancy, childbirth and child rearing. It seemed like a long road, between the fertility issues, pregnancy problems and premature birth (not to mention the nausea, indigestion 25 lb weight gain and we won't even go into the stretch marks!!). But looking back, it was a small dot on our map of life. I'll never forget the first time I saw my little girl, the first time I held her, smelled her, touched her delicate translucent skin. Honestly, time stood still in that moment. If I had ever had a doubt that God existed, those first moments of mommyhood washed them away. I had never seen a more beautiful creature. I had never been more overwhelmed by love...love for my precious, extraordinarily beautiful baby girl and by the love of my God, who gave her to me. We, like many new parents, struggled with name for our little girl for weeks before her birth. But the moment I saw her I knew her name. Elisabeth Grace...because God had shown us this umerited favor in the gift of her life.

I had never and have never since known a more overwhelming feeling in those first mommy days. A feeling of utter helplessness, a feeling of "oh my dear Lord, she is totally dependant on me and I have to do this for 18 years", a feeling of pride for what God had allowed my body to do and a feeling of joy in knowing this blessing was mine all mine. I wondered what my parents felt when I was born. I wondered a lot in those first days and weeks...

In the nine years since then, we have struggled with infertility. For six and a half of those nine, we wanted another baby in our lives, but it didn't happen. It most likely never will. I know I am blessed to have the child that I have, I am blessed to have had the pregnancy and birth experience I had, regardless of the difficulty or pain. God blesses me in one way or another every day...but I always feel like there is something missing. Don't get me wrong, I am whole and complete in God...it's taken me a long, winding road of bumps and potholes to figure that one out. I am confident in Him. I know others have experienced much worse fertility issues than me...but sometimes, when I see a new baby, it's painful to know I won't have that experience again. But I'm healing from that...and with God I will be healed entirely of that pain.

That day, nine years ago when Heaven and Earth collided in my world, God sent a piece of His love to me. He sent me a piece of Him in my baby girl. She was made in His image, as was I. She proclaims the love of Christ and has long ago accepted Him as her Savior and now His Holy Spirit dwells within her. How incredibly blessed I am to be her mom. How incredibly blessed I am. I plan to move forward with no more regrets of what I should have done. I will raise her in the sight of God at the foot of the cross. I will love her endlessly and hug her every chance I get. I will tell her every day how beautiful she is and what a precious child of her Maker she is. I will not regret another moment. A dear friend told me not too long ago she lives by a motto "Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly. And leave the rest to God." I like that :)